June 2023. Another Pride month is here. I’ve been out since I was 21, almost 17 years… it’s wild to think about. Out and proud? That’s another story.

As someone who was raised in a strict reformed Christian household, being gay wasn’t something that we spoke about, let alone something that would ever be celebrated. I kept my dirty little secret up until my early 20s. I played the part, went to church twice on Sundays, even joined the worship team singing songs that had lyrics like “Jesus, rain down on me”. I was a complete fraud and nobody knew it but me.

I dated girls on and off all the while secretly hooking up with guys on the side. I lived in a constant state of guilt or paranoia. I started drinking daily to cope with these feelings of worthlessness and confusion. How could this be my life? How could I have been born this way when who I am is destined to burn in hell?

Listen, religious trauma will fuck you up. I never thought when I started sharing my story of growing up gay in the church and battling addiction that there would be so many people messaging me with nearly identical stories. The church, and those who are under its umbrella, have done an immense amount of damage to the queer community (I mean, at this point, what community haven’t they damaged?) but it’s not simply enough for me to take a small moment to shine a spotlight on the hypocrisy. I truly believe that this conversation needs to continue. There are still so many who are being raised and conditioned to believe that who they are is sinful. Conversion camps and Christian “therapy” are still being forced on queer youth to try and make them straight. It’s not fun, and its impact is lasting, straight up. I can tell you from personal experience.

It’s taken a lot of unpacking to get to where I am today. Proud of who I am and no longer defined by my past. Sobriety has helped in countless ways. Truly learning to be in my own skin, and no longer carry the chains of the church that were shackled to me at birth. I’m not sure what I believe anymore; my faith has evolved in so many ways but this I am sure…

Who I am is who I was born. Fearfully and wonderfully made (His words, not mine!) I do not need to be fixed or cured. I do not need to repent of this sin and pray to be ‘made clean’ (seriously wtf).

Happy Pride everybody. Be Proud.

Because for maybe the first time ever.

I really am.