Photo courtesy of Stephanie Diani

For as long as I can remember, I have loved entertaining. I have never been sure why the pull is so strong, but it is a deep desire that I truly can’t ignore.

I used to think I did it for the attention and positive reinforcement but recently I realized that performing actually feels like a safety zone for me. I know for some people that sounds crazy - how could getting up and performing in front of people feel safe? Well, to be brutally honest, in ‘real life’ I actually have trouble showing emotion. I hate crying, being vulnerable or anything of that nature. However, when I am acting, singing or writing, I am unafraid to share myself.

When I was 10 years old, I played Gavroche in a production of Les Misérables at a sleepaway theater camp I attended. Being 10, I was excited to be in an incredible production with older kids; I didn’t realize precisely how sad the musical was. We rehearsed, and spoiler alert, Gavroche dies, so I got to do a death scene. The first night of the show, after I died my untimely death and was carried off stage, I looked out into the audience from the wings and saw people crying. Why would they cry over a song and a character? They knew that I was just acting and that I was still alive, right??? The reaction genuinely puzzled me.

One day in 8th grade health class I heard the song “Godspeed” by Frank Ocean. It hit me hard. I don’t know if it was because I had just returned from a 6-month stay in Canada filming 13: The Musical where I had a big, amazing experience that I didn’t want to end or if it was hormones, but whatever it was that song and Frank Ocean’s performance made me tear up right there in the classroom. I was feeling what the audience at Les Mis was feeling: an unexplainable transcendence of reality. I finally understood how deep a character or song could run and I wanted to continue making myself and other people feel that feeling.

Before that moment I had written songs but I had never expressed myself in a song so I started trying. Writing is my outlet.

I know I have a lot to learn and experience, and I am still figuring out who I really am, but I am doing my best to stay true and vulnerable in my work. I write music to express myself and feel, I sing so I can share the emotions those songs make me feel, and I perform so I can bring other people along for the ride. I guess we are all doing our best to figure things out. Music is helping me find my way.